Category Archives: Real Housewives

It’s Resort Time, Folks!

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m a mom. And as much as I don’t like to admit it, a Suburban Mom. I’ve even been a Soccer Mom – complete with mandatory Soccer Mom Tahoe – for three straight seasons. So my idea of a resort is my bedroom, at night, with a quiet house, a cup of tea and a stack of books to peruse. Maybe some yoga or Pilates from my DVD collection (even though Rodney Yee in his blue Speedo distracts from my Zen). Oh, and unlimited time. And the stamina to actually stay awake during this ‘resort time.’

Apparently that’s wrong. See, I’ve been a watcher of enough Real Housewives to know that Resort Season is coming. Really soon. And that means that I should be getting my wardrobe packed and ready, my social calendar organized for one thing – High Season. My mailbox agrees. In the past two weeks I’ve gotten enough Athleta, Vicki’s Secret, DSW and BCBG Resort Collection catalogs to outfit ten women for High Season ten years into the future. My Facebook wall is full of destinations, workout tips and beach-ready skin tips as well. Oh, and emails from Fit Magazine to ‘Suck it up so you won’t have to suck it in’ bikini season workout tips. This should be my focus because everyone hits the Caribbean for High Season, right?

WTHeck? Who are these people? Who does this? Do any actual living, breathing real moms-without-nannies seriously hit the sand in St. Barth’s, Grand Cayman or St. Croix this time of year? I’m just now getting into my winter sweater rotation! Bikini body? Who are they kidding? All the Christmas goodies are just now settling into my muffin top for at least two more months of hibernation, and looking forward to their Valentines Day friends.

Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I’ve met some of these people. I used to teach in an area where, now that I think about it, the common theme this time of year was so-called Soccer Moms heading out for their tennis lessons, hair extensions and spray tan appointments. In prep for the Winter Vaca. Destinations, anyone? Forget Cancun. We’re talking Colombia, Belize, Cabo, etc. And resorts? Forget that. These ladies would take the fam to one of these fab destinations and stay in a House. Not a time share. A House. Complete with Staff. As in, a maid, a cook, a butler and a driver. Kids would come back and write about ‘how I swam with the dolphins at Cabo.,’ or ‘how many animals my dad bagged on safari.’ I’m not kidding, folks. 

My kids write about ‘how many cigarette butts we found on the beach at Galveston’ or ‘how many rocks we threw in Lake Lewisville.’ That’s our reality. And frankly, it’s a heck of a lot more fun in my opinion. Granted, my childhood idea of heaven was playing in the treehouse us neighborhood kids built in a vacant lot down the street, sucking the honey out of the honeysuckle in my friend’s yard and biking to the 7-Eleven for candy with our allowance money. But you know what? We had fun. It makes me sad that my minions have to miss out on some of that because of how much the world has changed since then. I worry about what’s going to happen to these jaded eleven year old world travelers when they hit college or the working world – and it’s Ramen noodles and a budget. Reality check, anyone?

So back to the topic at hand. Thanks to my inbox, Facebook and actual snail mail, I now know exactly what facial creams, microdermabrasion devices, nips, tucks, cosmetics and overpriced pieces of dental floss (apparently this is what the High Season Crowd uses for swimming) I need in order to survive High Resort Season in style. Whew! Thank goodness!

Now, if I could just find my kid’s lunchbox – from last school year – that ‘disappeared’ into the closet and get my cat to stop peeing on the couch, I’d really be in business!!

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Filed under High Season, Real Housewives, Reality, Resort Fashion, Vacation