Wednesday Cat-astrophe


This is one of my cats. I absolutely love him.

He is the most big-hearted teddy bear of an animal I’ve ever met. This feline’s got so much love to give it’s ridiculous. He snuggles. He climbs in your lap. He stares up at you – his head on your shoulder, no less – with big green eyes that scream ‘I love you.’ He purrs.

He purrs so much and so hard that he drools. So much that the shelter we found him in had nicknamed him ‘Motor.’ He’s just a big, soft, lug of a bubba cat.

His problem? To put it mildly, he’s just not the sharpest knife in the drawer. By far.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue. I value a loving purr-sonality above smarts any day. Any day but this one. Because his lack of brain power has one huge caveat.

He pees – NOT where he’s supposed to. Normally it’s on the couch. I can’t really fault him there, since he made that mistake – once – when we first got him, and you can tell that sometimes he just forgets and honestly thinks that the couch is where he’s supposed to do his business. As annoying as it is, that’s manageable. With lots of aluminum foil and plastic grocery bags to cover it, the couch is safe.

But this morning? I should have known. Youngest minion came in to tell me how cute and loving Gambit was acting towards him. Following minion around. Purring. Snuggling. The whole works. Nonstop.

That stupid cat knew he’d royally screwed up and was trying to make amends with his fuzzy cuteness. Seriously.

Luckily for the minion, I had extra time this morning and decided to be nice – unpack the lunch kit from his backpack before school. The kid buys lunch on Wednesdays, so I thought I’d save him a step. Lucky me. That’s when I noticed the other cat sniffing around the backpack. No big deal, I thought, she thinks the straps on the pack are toys. She plays with it all the time.

Then I noticed that the lunch kit was wet. Ok, I thought, the cold pack thingy must have sprung a leak. No problem. Took it to the kitchen sink, rinsed it out, tossed the cold pack and left it to dry.

But the other cat was still sniffing around. Checked the backpack and noticed that the minion’s library books were damp. Picked up the backpack to get the books and…

You know what’s coming…

Saw the puddle of yellow cat pee on the tile next to the backpack. Yep. You guessed it. The ‘leaky cold pack’ was not leaky. Less-than-smart Bubba Cat strikes again. No wonder he was trying to make it up to the kid by being cute.

I just don’t get it. What on earth – other than pure stupidity – would make the cat think he needs to pee on a kid’s backpack? And no, before you ask, it was NOT anywhere near the litter box. Or the couch, for that matter. And the stupid cat KNEW he’d screwed up – why else would he be so extra-sweet to the minion?

So that was just the start my Wednesday needed. Of course it’s library day, so the books had to be cleaned and disinfected, then dried off. Tile cleaned, disinfected and sprayed liberally with No Mark – in hopes that the cat won’t decide repeat his performance. I stuck with my gut feeling and told the minions the boldfaced lie that the leaky lunch kit had ruined the backpack. Those of you moms who are fully convicted that telling any sort of falsehood to your child is morally and ethically wrong – kudos to you. But I would still be at home dealing with TWO meltdowns if I’d stuck to the absolute truth here. I admit it. I chose not to fight the honesty battle and deliberately lied to my kids today. I think they’ll still maintain basic ethics of right and wrong here.

And the end result? I look like my mom today. With all of the drama, here I sit in my nicely conservative gray pencil skirt and silk blouse. All of the cat drama left me with no time to accessorize. So my hip, trendy take on conservative office wear got left at home.

And I look like Melanie Griffith from Working Girl. Minus the shoulder pads. Definitely won’t measure up to the Girls Down the Hall today…

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