I. Am. So. Tired.

I am tired. So stinkin’ tired. I’m so tired that I’m going to drop my scruples and list everything that I did yesterday just to prove to myself that I’m justified in being tired. Because right now I just feel guilty about it and keep apologizing to my fam.

Let’s see. Yesterday. Hmm. Got the ‘rents off to the airport at 4 AM. Put myself and the minions together for work and school after a three day weekend. Mediated a minion smackdown. Threw a load of laundry into the washer. Spent the first 45 minutes of my commute just getting to the highway. Work. Did a speed-editing job on a rush new listing. Five major but quickie revisions on said listing. Troubleshooting on a marketing application – complete with bug report involving company IT. Sorted and scanned ten files for archiving. Troubleshot new user account logins with outside company – and turns out it was their server error. Project for sales manager.

Lunch. A cup of soup. Seriously. That was it. Quickie revision on rush new listing for head honcho. Financial revisions on old listing. Project involving market research for boss. All afternoon. Schooled by office guy on an issue. My mistake.

Drive home. Major traffic. Left work at 6 PM. 7:30 PM – finally close to home but had to pick up little minion from older minion’s scout meeting. Spent time with younger minion and got him off to bed just in time to get the older kid home and into bed. Died on the couch. Woke up this morning – repeat.

Now, I’m not listing all of this in an effort to self-promote. Hardly. I’m trying to make myself feel just a teeny bit justified in being the abso-freaking-lutely exhausted mess of a human being that I am this morning. Really. Because I feel horribly guilty and keep apologizing to my fam about it. Did I already say that? Sorry. Can’t remember. Memory si shot.

So in the midst of all this, I remembered a conversation with a colleague from a couple of weeks ago. It was a very Monty Python-esque chat – ‘Always look on the bright side of life,’ and all that. The subject of choice came up, as in, you have only yourself to blame if you don’t like your situation. Because ultimately your choices led you there. And the true road to acceptance, inner peace and healing only comes with realizing that you and only you are responsible for everything that happens to you (per the conversation).

Huh? Not sure where I chose to have my body develop a condition that leaves me fatigued and feeling like I have the flu some days. Guess I chose to take my doctor’s advice and go on medication for it – and that leads to other side effects. But it’s chronic, and not going away.

Or this random example: a person chooses to put on their left shoe first, as opposed to their right, which leads to slower tying and two minutes later out the door. After the resulting car accident that leaves them paralyzed – are they truly responsible for choosing one shoe over another? See what I mean? It’s a flawed argument. (Tangent – Can you tell I aced logic in college?) I mean, it’s an interesting Sliding Doors concept and all that, but where do you draw the line about being totally responsible for everything that happens to you?

And where does God fall into all of this? My choices aren’t truly my choices, are they? And what about predestination – a big can o’ worms there…

And I’d love to have that same chat after the individual in question walked a day in my shoes. Like yesterday. Granted, there are some bright sides: I have a job, I have a family, I get to commute 21 miles each way five days a week. But really. It’s so easy to preach about ‘finding the greatness in every moment of every day’ when you’ve got unlimited time to do whatever the heck you want with every moment of every day. Really.

I know that ‘the good is so good.’ Trouble is that apparently due to my choices I don’t have time, energy or mental stamina to find and appreciate it. But apparently I lack the acceptance of that, and therefore inner peace. Huh.

Don’t know about you, but I could really appreciate a nap right now.

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Filed under family, Life choices, Philosophy, Positive thinking, Predestination, time management, working moms

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