Over the Platform

Today’s post has absolutely nothing to do with the New Year and/or resolutions, life changes or goals. Sorry. Actually, I’m not. Given that everyone in the office seems either stressed out or in the familiar post-holiday funk, I need to liven things up a bit. The result is today’s post. It’s something that’s been on my mind for a while, but I lacked any kind of inspiration to write about it.

That all changed on Tuesday.

What happened Tuesday? Well, one of my fam’s New Year’s Day traditions is leaving the ‘burbs for the city and hitting up the mall. Early, mind you. It’s honestly the best time to go – usually empty until around lunchtime when the hung-over masses emerge from their cocoons and hit up the food court for greasy cures. This year was no different. Except for one thing.
I should have known something was up when our usual secret parking garage was packed. Packed. Not just full. I’m talking packed – as in, every parking space on both levels was occupied, tens of cars were circling like vultures and people were actually hopping out of vehicles to scout out newly-open spaces on foot. Really. Once we finally snagged a space and made it to the relative safety of the department store in question, we realized why.
I’m not sure why this was such a big deal. It’s the city, after all. Bargains are always out there for the frugally-minded adventurer. But, for whatever reason, this particular sale brought out throngs of crazed shoppers intent on grabbing as much as possible. Worse than Six Flags on a summer Saturday, or the State Fair on Texas-OU weekend. It was bad.
Anyway, I’m getting off topic here. But I had to paint the picture for you as I tried to navigate through the store and into the mall. Past one of my required departments. Shoes.
Now I wouldn’t say I have a shoe obsession by any means. Compared to some of my friends, I’m downright thrifty. But I always like to look, and my Spouse appreciates a few suggestions here and there. He’s figured out that shoes are a pretty good go-to if he’s stuck for a gift idea.
So there I was, perusing the shoes as best I could through the masses, and one thing really stuck out.
I’ve got nothing against platforms. Seriously. I’ve got several pair of them at home and I do actually wear them. But everything that I saw this week was so over-the-top extreme that I had to document it. We’re talking Unwalkable Shoes here. I’ve got a friend from college who calls them ‘valet shoes’ because the prospect of actually walking in some of these is a no-go. Or at the very least, a recipe for disaster. I get that. If your lifestyle requires that you attend Events dressed to the nines, go for it. Mine doesn’t. But even if you are such a fashionista, I’m thinking even you would have to pass these up:

That is, unless you’re a sixteen year old from the year 2132 named Judy Jetson.

Really? Who on earth would even try to wear these? And of those women, who would ever think they would look good? I’m thinking that even Debbie Gibson or Madonna in her heyday would call these out for Extreme Neon.
Maybe they’re leftover from the last run of Mamma Mia. Hmmm…
But the more I looked, the less unusual these shoes seemed. Apparently the trend is toward extreme stilettos with extreme platforms. No wonder more and more women look like Amazons. It’s getting out of hand.
And before anyone starts telling me that I’m dated or behind the times, I’ll say it again. I do have – and regularly wear – stilettos, platforms and combinations thereof. I mean, I was cleaning out the depths of my closet the other day and found my prom shoes:

 See? I’ve come a long way since then. But I’m too klutzy – and not enough of a slave to fashion – to venture down this extreme road. I’d break an ankle, at the very least. Several bones at the worst, and I’d probably manage to take a few others down with me. So these are definitely a no-go for me.
What do you think? Crazy regional trend? National phenomenon? Oooh – I’ve got it! It’s a governmental conspiracy to incapacitate women. I could go all political here! But you know what? I won’t. I’ll leave that to other people who will have more fun with conspiracy theories than me.
And yes, I did have to put in today’s mindless fashion post. But in case you’re wondering, I DID come out of said department store with a lovely green sweater – after only waiting five minutes in line. SCORE!!

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Filed under Fashion Trends, Houston, Moms, Platforms, Shoes, shopping

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