Adventures in Parenting

I know, I know. So many moms these days blog about their kids and how adorable they are. Mine are too. Of course. But there are times, being a boymom, where situations arise in which my loving spouse and I just look at each other and think WTH??! Honestly. It doesn’t help that, in addition to their stinkin’ cuteness, both of my guys are incredibly smart. Off the charts. Spouse and I realized this early on, also with the realization that – as they get older – we’re screwed. One of the reasons we stopped at two. Our usual response, when asked if we’d like to try again for a girl, is ‘Are you kidding??‘ Now I love my guys, but believe me when I say – lovingly – that we are blessed enough.

A few years ago, my mom (after she stopped laughing and wiped away the tears running down her face from the hilarity of the story I’d just told) commented that I should write a book. Because you just can’t make this stuff up. Well, I haven’t written that book – yet –  because I figure that they haven’t produced their best material – yet. But I have started a list. And I thought today that I would share some of those stellar parenting moments with you.

Case 1: The Friday night the boys decided to save time and take one shower. Yeah, I know – that’s a loaded gun. But I caved. Until I heard the screaming laughter coming from the bathroom. I walked in on the middle of their contest – to see who could make the bigger butt print on the shower door. That’s my new Friday night, folks. I know you’re jealous.

Case 2: The Christmas both guys got toy light sabers (retractable, of course) and had a Jedi war in the living room. I went to my room to read a book. A few minutes later, the boys came in – with the light sabers hanging from the front of their pants – in the middle. Honestly, you have to get the mental picture. As I picked myself up off the floor laughing R said, “What? This is where Jedi keep their light sabers when they’re not using them.”

Case 3: The summer when the spouse and I were totally engrossed in reading The Deathly Hallows. Boys were playing in their rooms. It got quiet. Too quiet. We knew we should go check on them but had to finish the chapter. Upon entering V’s room we found – and I still cringe at this – that they had decided to create a snowstorm with baby powder. I’m still cleaning it out of the grooves in his laundry hamper – six years later.

Case 4: Last Sunday. Church. Boys rebelled against kids’ service and were sitting with us. They got a bit antsy so I used my mom’s trick of letting them draw on the church bulletin. Never again. R’s masterpiece was in the New Member photo insert – he’d added horns, fangs, a goatee and a cape to one poor young man. Back to kids’ service on Sunday.

Case 5: 4th grade science. The mealworm unit – which is why I never taught science. They’re like big maggoty grubs. At the end of the unit, R’s teacher ‘let’ every kid bring home their mealworm. Ours was named John. Little did I know that John would turn into a gross black beetle. And R loves him, so there’s no ‘cleaning’ and accidentally disposing of him.

Case 6: One of my all-time favorites, and the one I’m saving for rehearsal dinner stories someday. About five years ago. Driving. Smackdown ensued in the back seat – so loud and violent that I finally had enough. Turns out the boys were fighting over a book. I whipped the car over to the shoulder, jammed on the brakes, turned around, held out my hand and demanded, ‘Give it to me. NOW.‘ Yanked the book away from them, turned around, and looked down to see what on earth was causing so much violence.

The title of the book?

Sharing and Caring with Elmo. Like I said, you can’t make this stuff up.

And I thought my life would be boring once I had kids. Hmmm…

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Filed under kids, Moms, Parenting, Sibling Rivalry

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